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Woody Allen

  • American director
  • Born December 1, 1935

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, he performed as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes, where he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality.


Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.




If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.




Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.




Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?




The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.




I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.




I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.




I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.




I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!




It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.




Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.




Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.




I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.




Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.




Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.




Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.




I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.




I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.




I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.




It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.




If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.




I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.




To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.




Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.




If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.




Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.




I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.




It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.




I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.




When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.




If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.




I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.




I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.




His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.




Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.




In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.



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