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Quotes by Woody Allen

  • American director
  • Born December 1, 1935

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I am two with nature.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

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