Follow on Facebook
Follow on Twitter
Follow on Pinterest
Follow on Tumblr
Follow on Blogger
Follow on Weibo
Born October 11, 1967
I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.
I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.
To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.
Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.
When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
It's good to be alive.
All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.
You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.
I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.
I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.
When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'
I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.
Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.
Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!
I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.
'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.
I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.